No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
