Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
