Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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