the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My Higher Power is John Stamos
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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