You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
