Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
