I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
In other news, I just burned my penis
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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