ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
