if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
