I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
