My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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