You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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