I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
