I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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