how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize