I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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