you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
