just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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