your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
