Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
