Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
