yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
