I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
