The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
