she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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