i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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