I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
