Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
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I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
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Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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