Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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