I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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