Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
