i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
