tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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