i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
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library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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