It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
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It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
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The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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