Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he puts the penis in happiness.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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