i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
