You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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