she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I deserve this hangover.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
