I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
