When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
you had me at cake vodka
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
