I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
