just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
