So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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