So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
