How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he fucked my hip out of place.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
