I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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