He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
