There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
