a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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