Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize