So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
