Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
