good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
