I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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