Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Randomize
