Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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