Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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