she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
