my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I lost the right to judge tonight
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
