listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm really busy with my period
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