Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
