I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
FUCK WHALES
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
