eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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