There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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