i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
