There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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