When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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